Josh wasn’t allowed in the operating room until they had the
spinal completed and I was lying down on the bed. The labor pains had become so
intense that my whole body was shaking uncontrollably. All of the nurses that
spoke to me kept asking if I was cold. I wasn’t cold, nor could I stop the
shaking. It was so bad that one of the nurses had to bear hug me while the anesthesiologist
did their work so that I would stay still.
Once I was lying down and the sheet was set up in front of
me, I couldn’t see anything. There was so much going on around me as I slowly
lost the ability to move my lower body. One of the nurses didn’t believe me that
I wasn’t cold, and I was really happy she didn’t because she brought me a
warmed blanket and laid it over my chest and arms. It was so comfy and cozy I
wanted more of them wrapped all around me, even the parts of me that I couldn’t
feel!
Once everything was said and done and they were ready to
start the surgery Josh was allowed into the room. I remember the anesthesiologist
asking him if he wanted her to tell him when it was safe to look and with a
very white face, he said no.
Cameron, my little baby A, was born first. He didn’t make a
sound. It was terrifying because the whole reason we were potentially having an
emergency c-section plan before I ever went into labor, was because the doctor
believed that he had stopped growing. I could feel my heart pounding as I
waited to hear how he was. Josh peeked around the curtain and all he said to me
was “He’s purple”. Now a woman in her right mind would recognize that is pretty
much the colour of most babies when they come out. But to a mother worried that
her little monkey was not doing so well, fear took hold and made me feel like I
was going to be sick. Just a note to all of you men out there….. you should probably
think before you speak in situations such as these.
Zachary, my little baby B, came next. Maybe he could feel
that Momma bear was worried because he let out one little cry, almost as if he
was letting me know he was ok. I instantly felt a warm feeling of love and
affection for the little monkeys I hadn’t even been able to see yet. And then
the doctor spoke: “And your son just peed one me”. We all laughed. It was a
nice break from the worry and concern that shortly thereafter came flooding
back.
It felt like hours were passing as the doctor was putting me
back together and I was waiting to hear something, anything about how my little
men were holding up. They were so early and I just wanted to hear someone say
that they were doing ok. Finally, after what seemed like a lifetime, one of the
NICU nurses came in to let me know that both my boys were doing well. It was
such a relief. Instantly I felt a huge weight lift off of my body and I could breathe
so much easier. Hearing the words that both of my little monkeys were doing
well took so much of the fear and stress away.
When the doctors had finished stitching me up the rolled me
into my side onto a different bed and went to take me to recovery. I told Josh
I wanted them to take whatever it was between my ankles off and just let my
legs sit together. It felt so weird. It felt like there was a foot long piece of
plastic holding my top leg off of my bottom one and I didn’t like it. He looked
at me very confused and proceeded to tell me that there was nothing between my
legs, that they were laying one on top of the other. I wasn’t sure what to
think at that point as that was not what it felt like at all and I became very
confused.
I wanted to do nothing but sleep. I felt so completely
exhausted after such a long night and a very eventful day. Shortly after I was
moved into recovery my mom and my step dad came in. My mom took my hand and was
telling me how proud of me she was and how beautiful the boys were. I was so
happy she was there, but at the same time I almost cried. My mom, my step dad
and Josh had all gotten to see my little men and I still hadn’t been able to
look at their beautiful little faces and see their tiny little hands and those precious
little feet that had been beating me up for months. The longer I waited in
recovering the more frustrated I got. I wanted to see my babies. The recovery
nurse was amazing. She gave me goals to achieve and told me once I had been
able to do all of them that she would take me to see my little men. Goal number
one….. wiggle my toes. This took forever! I kept interrupting my mom in what
she was saying to me to have her check if my toes were moving because of how
hard I was trying. We all laughed at me a little bit. Goal number two….. lift
my bum. It was the nurse’s turn to laugh at me. I put all of my effort forward
and lifted my bum about half an inch. But she could see how determined I was to
go and see my little monkeys so she cleaned me up from the surgery and got me
ready to move.
As we were heading toward the NICU I was excited to see my
little guys, sad because Josh had said we couldn’t touch them and relieved that
they were ok. They brought me up to Cam first and I started to cry. He was so
tiny on his little tummy with his itty bitty little bum in the air. The nurse
asked me if I wanted to touch him and I started to cry more. Turns out it was
only the parents allowed to touch their babies, and although the grandparents
were allowed in to see them, they couldn’t touch them. I put my hand in and
touched his and he wrapped his tiny little fingers around mine. The warmth of
the love and affection I felt for my little man flooded through me. After a
moment with him they took me a little further to see Zach. He was wearing a
mask, we found out later that he needed oxygen for about 12 hours after he was
born. But he wrapped his little fingers around mine too and all of the fear as
to why he was wearing the mask melted away. My beautiful, precious baby boys
had joined this big messy scary world and they were more wonderful than I could
have ever imagined. So tiny yet the love between us already, was monumental.
