Part 3 - Precious Miracles

Josh wasn’t allowed in the operating room until they had the spinal completed and I was lying down on the bed. The labor pains had become so intense that my whole body was shaking uncontrollably. All of the nurses that spoke to me kept asking if I was cold. I wasn’t cold, nor could I stop the shaking. It was so bad that one of the nurses had to bear hug me while the anesthesiologist did their work so that I would stay still.

Once I was lying down and the sheet was set up in front of me, I couldn’t see anything. There was so much going on around me as I slowly lost the ability to move my lower body. One of the nurses didn’t believe me that I wasn’t cold, and I was really happy she didn’t because she brought me a warmed blanket and laid it over my chest and arms. It was so comfy and cozy I wanted more of them wrapped all around me, even the parts of me that I couldn’t feel!

Once everything was said and done and they were ready to start the surgery Josh was allowed into the room. I remember the anesthesiologist asking him if he wanted her to tell him when it was safe to look and with a very white face, he said no.

Cameron, my little baby A, was born first. He didn’t make a sound. It was terrifying because the whole reason we were potentially having an emergency c-section plan before I ever went into labor, was because the doctor believed that he had stopped growing. I could feel my heart pounding as I waited to hear how he was. Josh peeked around the curtain and all he said to me was “He’s purple”. Now a woman in her right mind would recognize that is pretty much the colour of most babies when they come out. But to a mother worried that her little monkey was not doing so well, fear took hold and made me feel like I was going to be sick. Just a note to all of you men out there….. you should probably think before you speak in situations such as these.

Zachary, my little baby B, came next. Maybe he could feel that Momma bear was worried because he let out one little cry, almost as if he was letting me know he was ok. I instantly felt a warm feeling of love and affection for the little monkeys I hadn’t even been able to see yet. And then the doctor spoke: “And your son just peed one me”. We all laughed. It was a nice break from the worry and concern that shortly thereafter came flooding back.

It felt like hours were passing as the doctor was putting me back together and I was waiting to hear something, anything about how my little men were holding up. They were so early and I just wanted to hear someone say that they were doing ok. Finally, after what seemed like a lifetime, one of the NICU nurses came in to let me know that both my boys were doing well. It was such a relief. Instantly I felt a huge weight lift off of my body and I could breathe so much easier. Hearing the words that both of my little monkeys were doing well took so much of the fear and stress away.

When the doctors had finished stitching me up the rolled me into my side onto a different bed and went to take me to recovery. I told Josh I wanted them to take whatever it was between my ankles off and just let my legs sit together. It felt so weird. It felt like there was a foot long piece of plastic holding my top leg off of my bottom one and I didn’t like it. He looked at me very confused and proceeded to tell me that there was nothing between my legs, that they were laying one on top of the other. I wasn’t sure what to think at that point as that was not what it felt like at all and I became very confused.

I wanted to do nothing but sleep. I felt so completely exhausted after such a long night and a very eventful day. Shortly after I was moved into recovery my mom and my step dad came in. My mom took my hand and was telling me how proud of me she was and how beautiful the boys were. I was so happy she was there, but at the same time I almost cried. My mom, my step dad and Josh had all gotten to see my little men and I still hadn’t been able to look at their beautiful little faces and see their tiny little hands and those precious little feet that had been beating me up for months. The longer I waited in recovering the more frustrated I got. I wanted to see my babies. The recovery nurse was amazing. She gave me goals to achieve and told me once I had been able to do all of them that she would take me to see my little men. Goal number one….. wiggle my toes. This took forever! I kept interrupting my mom in what she was saying to me to have her check if my toes were moving because of how hard I was trying. We all laughed at me a little bit. Goal number two….. lift my bum. It was the nurse’s turn to laugh at me. I put all of my effort forward and lifted my bum about half an inch. But she could see how determined I was to go and see my little monkeys so she cleaned me up from the surgery and got me ready to move.

As we were heading toward the NICU I was excited to see my little guys, sad because Josh had said we couldn’t touch them and relieved that they were ok. They brought me up to Cam first and I started to cry. He was so tiny on his little tummy with his itty bitty little bum in the air. The nurse asked me if I wanted to touch him and I started to cry more. Turns out it was only the parents allowed to touch their babies, and although the grandparents were allowed in to see them, they couldn’t touch them. I put my hand in and touched his and he wrapped his tiny little fingers around mine. The warmth of the love and affection I felt for my little man flooded through me. After a moment with him they took me a little further to see Zach. He was wearing a mask, we found out later that he needed oxygen for about 12 hours after he was born. But he wrapped his little fingers around mine too and all of the fear as to why he was wearing the mask melted away. My beautiful, precious baby boys had joined this big messy scary world and they were more wonderful than I could have ever imagined. So tiny yet the love between us already, was monumental.